"Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes."
"Anybody who says nothing is impossible has never tried slamming a revolving door."
"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."
"Always keep your head up...you don't run into as many things that way."
"Some people call me a smartass...but hey! I'd rather be a smartass than a dumbass."
"I don't lie...I just alter the truth to suit me."
"Take my advice, I don't use it anyway."
"If the shoe fits, get another one just like it."
"No Comment" is a comment."
"Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery?"
"Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?"
"Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice?"
"Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?"
"Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?"
"Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?"
"Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?"
"Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?"
"I don't do drugs anymore cuz I found you get the same effect by standing up really fast."
"I'm actually quite pleasant, until I'm awake."
"If life throws you a lemon...duck."
"Constipated people don't give a crap."
"Some people are only alive because it's illegal to kill them."
"A friend is someone who knows how strange you are and still hangs out with you."
